Navigating The Tough Stuff

Sooo… 

As I mentioned in a previous post: Prior to starting my seasonal Celebrations! project, I sent a few emails out to folks who take an active interest in this blog, because I wanted – as a gesture of appreciation – {1} to solicit some feedback, but also {2} to personally invite people to ask questions.

The result – as also mentioned in a previous post – was a mix of “yeah, I kinda expected that” and “…oh…really…?”

One of the common threads between the two types of responses I got, though, was this:  People want to know about the tough stuff.

So.

I’m gonna try to break things up by ‘category’ as best I can, but fair warning: This is likely to be a wordy one. Feel free to skip around and read under whatever headings interest you. (Or, if you feel overwhelmed by it all, feel free to just skip it, period. I’ll not be offended. 🙂

Kink

I’ve received several inquiries – both as part of the lead-up to this posting project and in a general way, long-term over the life of the blog – that basically boil down to:  How does the kinky stuff happen?

And…

I guess my answer to that would be, “It doesn’t happen.”

: laugh :

I mean, I get it that some of the things we do would be classified as ‘kinky’ by some people. But… I dunno… I mean, it’s not that we don’t recognize that certain things we do are perhaps not ‘mainstream’. It’s just that we don’t go around labeling anything we do as ‘kinky’.

Really, when one of us wants to try something or whatever, we just say, “Hey, do you wanna…?” and have a conversation about it.

And then there are things that don’t require a conversation at all. I can read his body language really well, and we’ve been together for a pretty long time (17 years in February!), so quite often a quirk or a nod or an eyes-just-got-big-as-saucers is enough to know to just… Go ahead, I guess.

: laugh :

Uhmmm…

So yeah. It’s just pretty basic communication, I guess. 🙂

Polyamory & Whatnot

And on the topic of communication…

*smile*

I don’t consider myself polyamorous, actually. But I *am* non-monogamous. For some, the two terms are congruous; for others, one denotes a very specific Way Of Doing Things™ that either does or does not coincide with Their Kind Of Thinking©.

And really…

Let’s see, how can I put this nicely?

.

.

.

.

.

I just don’t fucking care.

: laugh :

So with poly, people generally have very set ideas about what that means and how it’s supposed to work. Like, there is a huge aversion, for instance (generally speaking), to the idea of hierarchical polyamory. (Hierarchical polyamory is based around the idea that you would have one primary/main/life partner and then secondary partners, etc.)

Which…

It’s kinda ridiculous, really. Because the people I’ve interacted with who claim to be Non-Hierarchical Polyamorists®… Well, they are into hierarchy. They often don’t call their partners ‘primary’ and ‘secondary’, but they behave in ways that clearly denote the difference.

If that makes sense.

And I’m just…

Pfgh.

I don’t want any part of any of that.

Also, there tends to be a clear division between people who claim to be All About The Love (poly folks) and those who are Just In It For The Sex. The latter generally fall more into the category of Swingers, and/or are into having sex with as many people as possible but are just not into the idea of being committed to anyone.

None of that works for me, honestly.

So if I have to choose a label (and I really Really REALLY dislike labels, but I understand their usefulness to others), it’s non-monogamy.

But anyway…

How the non-mono stuff came about was that my hubby and I talked about having a threesome. (Dingdingding! There’s communication again!) And… We both liked the idea, but I’m not into sex-minus-connection, so we tried to find someone who we felt comfortable with and who wasn’t into the idea of forming a long-term association but who was friendly {and, I dunno… normal(?), I guess…}. And we found that person.

Along the way, we had some other experiences as well (same-room sex with another couple, some naked hot-tubbing, a night at a swing club) — a few fairly fun, others not so much — and once it was all over, we stepped back and said, “…hmnh.”

Secondary Relationships

So after some ‘figuring it out’ (which, honestly, was a bit angsty at times), we both decided that it made sense to be Open To Other Things Happening™, which of course included ancillary relationships.

{Did you catch that? I didn’t use the term ‘secondary’. I don’t like it any more than the people who claim not to be non-hierarchical polyamorists, even though I *do* believe in hierarchy. (And I’m at the top of the hierarchy. Duh. *grin*) So I use the term ‘ancillary’. It still makes sense, but it’s… Less denominational. Or something. 🙂 }

A n y w a y

I was asked, very specifically, whether I currently have any relationships outside my marriage and if so, what that looks like. Like, how does it all fit together?

And…

Yeeeesss…

I do have another relationship. I really only wrote about it once. Other Relationship (OR for short) and I haven’t seen each other in person since autumn of 2017 (long-distance is a thing; having money – or rather, NOT having money – to travel and date and such when you’re non-mono is also A Thing, and honestly it’s kind of a problematic thing), and as for how my OR ‘fits’ with my marriage…

Well, there’s nothing to ‘fit’ really.

We talk on the phone. (If and when it works out with either/both of us to do so, which is less and less these days.) We exchange gifts at Christmas. (Last year he contacted my spouse to arrange delivery and stunt-wrapping.) When we *do* see one another and it’s on my turf, my hubby sometimes joins us for stuff. (Not sexual stuff. Just… Doing stuff stuff.)

My OR lives his life. I live mine.

I don’t know what else to say about it, really. 

I mean… A long time ago, I asked him to write up something for me about his experience of poly. He did, but what I had planned to do with it kind of fell through.

So then before I started this holiday blog project, I asked him if he wanted to revisit what he’d previously written. He did. What he said, though… Really, I think it’s more a matter of “this is what it’s like for everyone who’s ever been in a relationship with ME” than of “this is what non-monogamy is like.”

Because a lot of what he said is directly related to How I Roll®. I don’t really think that having a relationship structure which allows for multiple partners has anything to do with it.

Like, for example (purple prose is his):

…I did have some concerns regarding you being married when we first started discussing a relationship between us. Those concerns were allayed as I got to know you better, and better understand the nature of an ethical non-monogamous relationship. This has been my first relationship outside of traditional monogamy, and it’s been an enriching, sometimes scary experience, but one I can see being part of my life from this point forward.

AND

This has been different in so many good ways, from what I was accustomed to in my past relationships. It’s been raw-er and more honest, both with myself and my partner, than any other relationship I’ve been in so far.

AND

The openness of an ethical non-monogamous relationship has given me a place where I feel accepted, one not founded on coercion or a lie, but rather a healthy place for me to grow and experience life.

My OR did touch on jealousy a bit (which is another topic for another day), and express his feelings on dealing with the distance issue. But basically what he said all stems from my “lay it on the line” approach to communication in relationships, and pretty much no one is exempt from that. It’s just the way I am.

Sex – or rather, NO SEX – With More Than One

So obviously, one of the big things about having more than one partner is the idea of negotiating boundaries where sex{y} stuff is concerned. But really, right now… Because of my whole uncooperative-menopausal-body thing… 

I’m not having sex with anyone, really.

Including myself.

: laugh :

So I kinda think my OR doesn’t know how to function within that reality. It’s not any fault of his, but it’s just the way it is. He has no scope of experience that includes this kind of thing [‘this kind of thing’ meaning ‘lack of libido in a peri-menopausal (long-distance, non-monogamous) partner’].

And since we don’t see each other anyway — except on video calls, and sexual interactions on those calls is a rarity — I don’t really feel any effect. 

My husband is really the one who has to deal with the day-to-day tough-stuff of my menopausal non-interest. 

And he’s been a fucking champ.

In addition to writing about our beginnings as a couple, my husband also wrote a little bit about his health and how our compassion for one another is reciprocal. I will address some of those things at a later date (and when I do, I will include his expository writing on the subject), but this little snippet will give you an idea of where he’s coming from (his words in blue) with my whole lack-of-libido thing:

Feve has mentioned and is open about the fact she is experiencing a change in life regarding her sex interest.* I simply look at it as an opportunity to return the support [that she has given me with my own health issues] and make sure she is as comfortable as possible. I have been going through changes like this myself but, from a man’s genetic hormonal makeup. It’s just life so, you might as well just accept it.

*If you’re interested, see also:

Pushing Past
Whatever the opposite of FOMO is…
As Wet As I Get
Love Hurts
Tension
What sex is REALLY like, in my world:

So yeah.

All that.

*shrug*

My Husband’s Health

As mentioned above:  Our compassion for one another is reciprocal. 

There have been times – recently, now that he’s had a successful kidney transplant and we are trying to re-navigate the waters of dis/ability – that I’ve been kind of blind-sided by just exactly how much we went through in our years together, from a physical-wellness standpoint.

I think that for most people “for better or for worse” doesn’t come into play, really. Or if it does, it’s only in a temporary way. 

And often — I’ve seen this, and I think it’s a true test of compatibility between members of a couple — if the difficulty/inconvenience/lack-of-good-health is *not* a temporary thing, then the relationship ends. Because one or the other (or both) can’t handle the tough stuff.

With us…

Well, I knew about his kidney disease shortly after we met. I accepted it as part and parcel of the Whole Package, and I knew that one day it would mean taking on a good deal of responsibility in terms of his wellness.

So I went into a relationship with… Well, with basically a sick person… And I knew what I was doing. So yes, it was tough stuff. BUT it wasn’t a surprise.

And while the gradual decline was something that I knew was coming… It didn’t make it easy, but it definitely made it a conscious choice.

And the fact that we made a conscious choice to work together toward the end goal of keeping him well, and the fact that we faced all the difficulties along the way as friends…

That’s what made all the difference.

Somebody asked me, very specifically, about the day-to-day functioning of my relationship with my husband. And while that question encompasses everyday things as well as kink and poly and menopause and all that… It also encompasses the concept of Caregiving. Of being responsible for everyday duties in unequal measure because one of you is not able to do things.

I told the person who asked the question the same thing I’m about to tell you:

Everything we do (or don’t do, as our situation allows) is really just ‘normal’ for us. My husband often compared our situation, pre-transplant, to that of the infamous frog-in-boiling-water. It’s a horrible visual, really, but it makes perfect sense. When you put a frog in a pot of water that’s cold, then add heat under it… The frog never realizes it’s being cooked. It just sits there in the pot, slowly roasting to death.

And so it was with us.

We were in a medical/health situation… And that situation kept changing/evolving/getting hotter to handle… Then one day we were like, “Holy shit! We’re cooked!”

The major events — him losing his job, all his surgeries, dialysis — they were just constantly one.more.thing, you know? And it wasn’t really until after he’s healed so well from his kidney transplant surgery (and after the incessant medical bills have stopped!) that we actually realized how much we’d dealt with. And how hard it really was.

And you know…

The thing is, when you’re *in* it, and you *feel* it — that weight of responsibility, that frustration that not everything can get done, that exhaustion from constantly going and doing and largely because-of/for the person you love… When you realize intermittently that, “Hey, this is tough!” it’s like IT’S NOT OKAY TO SAY THAT.

Being a caregiver is TOUGH STUFF.

Being the primary income earner when the medical concerns and expenses of your partner are constantly at the forefront of your existence is TOUGH.

And when that changes, for better or for worse, THAT’S TOUGH TOO.

And really… People just don’t get that. 

So yeah.

Tough stuff.

And really…

You know that saying, “Don’t sweat the small stuff”?

Well, it’s all small stuff.

And when all the small stuff adds up, it tends to add up to TOUGH STUFF.

But we get through it. 🙂

And if you’ve read this far — GO YOU! — you’ve just gotten through this blog post. 😉

(The comprehension of which was, at times, probably tough stuff.) 🙂

With much appreciation to those who took the time to send me their questions. I hope I’ve answered at least a few of them. 🙂

NOTE: In-text images on this post were sourced – free! – from Unsplash.